Sister challenges. I announced that I would be coming to town. I told everyone in advance that my family was going to town to see relatives who were flying in from overseas to spend time with my family and that anyone who wanted to go was invited to be with people who were gathering to spend time with my father in law, who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been fighting it for over a year. My mom said she didn't like to be in the city but would like to have her grandkids stay overnight with her. I agreed. She then made arrangements to invite people I don't know and my sisters, (one of whom never speaks to me except with contempt). She didn't reveal her plans until we were almost at her door. When I realized the situation had been taken from what I had agreed to and been turned into something that scared me--I backed out. My family seems to rage whenever I have the nerve to set boundaries.
I have lived away from my hometown for six years. During that time, I have always told my family when I was coming to town. I have always left them the option to visit me. Two of my brothers have come to visit and one met us half-way in another town. My sister, however has argued with me since I left that since I am married and have kids and do not work outside the home--we should put her first and make all other plans after she has decided what we can do while we are in town. If I make other plans, she rages.
I then feel a wave of rejection from other people who take up her cause and see her as being picked on. Anything I might have to say in my defense seems ignored. I am cut off mid-sentence and told that I am supposed to try harder. I do try harder--but it isn't enough. It's never enough.
If this is the only way I can get my words out...I'm okay with that.
For the past many years, I feel that the only thing my sister has to say to me is that she doesn't like me. She feels that I have allowed my husband to carry me through life since we got married. She and my mom tell me I have gotten fat and I need to wear makeup. They tell me I don't know how to buy a bra. They tell me I don't know how hard life can be because I am married. I can't reason with my sister. She resents that I set any boundaries around my family. Even when I was pregnant and went to see her in her apartment (she would never come to mine) and she invited a lot of people over who were smoking and I left to avoid the smoke, she escorted me to the door by saying to me and everyone in the room that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable socializing because I have so many anxiety issues instead of honoring the fact that I just wanted to be away from the smoke.
For years, she blamed me for her not being able to go to my wedding because I sent out 'save the date' cards (only) a year in advance telling people we were going to England because my husband (who paid for the wedding) wanted to go there and she expected us to pay for her to go. We had just spent a lot of money traveling to my older sister's wedding which was announced two weeks before it happened. I didn't have the money to send anyone to England. Therefore, my sisters told me they felt I shouldn't have had a wedding that I couldn't pay for them to attend. They stayed home and said terrible things about me and I chose not to think about them.
When my sisters were at the hospital and I was giving birth, (I didn't invite them because I wanted the situation to remain calm for me) my older sister forced my mom to leave the hospital because my baby went into fetal distress. She told my mom (according to my younger sister who told me later) that she was worried that my mom would bond with my baby more than hers if there was anything wrong. During the next few days, my older sister arrived uninvited to the hospital and sat next to me while I tried to pump and laughed that I looked like a cow hooked up a milking machine. I did, but her looking at me like she thought I was disgusting didn't help the milk to flow. She hadn't been in my life for years. She used to ask my mom to keep me home from family vacations because I made it less fun for her. My mom used to oblige her. Suddenly, when she was pregnant with a baby she deliberately conceived as soon as she heard I was pregnant--she wanted to be at my side as much as possible. She wanted to be at the baby shower, where she announced her pregnancy. She wanted to be in charge of what was happening during a very chaotic and difficult time when my daughter was fighting congenital heart disease. I didn't want her near me. I wanted to bond with my husband and my baby. She was making that impossible. I told her to give me space--but I wasn't cruel about it. I simply told her I would let her know when I was ready to see her. I heard a lot of feedback from others about how awful I am in response--people who chose to take up their cause despite not really knowing what was going on. I chose to ignore them.
Now that my sister has asked me again if I would like a war, I have to say, "no". I'd rather hug it out...but if she needs her space that's fine. My feeling is that war is on regardless. I am getting a lot of painful feedback from people who believe they know who I am and what my motivations are when I really don't believe they do know or that they could possibly know since everything they believe is coming from my mom and sisters. I'm not as strong as some of the people who come to me with their opinions about how I deal with my family seem to think that I am and I have to ask for them to please, stop coming to me with judgmental, snide comments about the situation. I am dealing as best I can with the life I have now. I can't fix what was broken years ago. I have tried and it takes both sides wanting to behave without contempt for the other and genuine willingness to give the other side the room to be the person he or she wants to be now. I can't conjure that up from their hearts. Only they can provide that. This situation is not my fault. I can't carry the blame anymore.
If people want to be in my children's lives and they show that they have goodwill and good intentions toward me and my husband--then I let them right in. If they show that they have contempt for me--I don't. I don't know how they could expect I would leave my children with them when I don't have to and when I wouldn't be able to stand not knowing what would happen. Bad things happened under my mom's watch when I was growing up. She has never shown remorse about that. She doesn't believe me when I tell her about how I was hurt. How can anyone expect me to trust her now? I don't have to give her the opportunity to repeat history with my kids. It isn't my job to protect her. It's my job to protect my kids. I love her, but I love them more. Same with my siblings.
I hope that the people who have come to me with painful arguments about what they see in me will change their minds. I realize that's not likely. I do think it is fair to ask for them to turn their attention away from me now that they have voiced their opinions. I am trying to carry a heavy enough load and while I love them, I can't bear the weight of more of this family pain.
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