I'm going to blogspot my way out of all of my troubles...

My brother tweeted something like this a few months ago and I smirked. It's a good joke. Giving him credit. Although, to be fair, my other brother says that the first one mentioned takes all of the material he has from their personal conversations and that all of his best material is really his. So...to whomever this joke deserves credit...please consider yourself fully acknowledged and praised.

If it were possible to BlogSpot your way around your problems, I'd be there. Maybe it is only possible to BlogSpot your way through them. You don't get to leave them behind, but you can share what you are learning along the way. Kind of a travel log.

Here is where I am...

I have learned that despite all efforts to cure my problems with prayer, prayer can only help and not fully heal my emotional or spiritual wounds. It is not a replacement for therapy or medication.

Church communities of every kind are full of people who will use your vulnerability against you. Church communities are generally NOT the place to find people who are aware of what to do to help anyone with true mental health issues. They often are the worst place to go for help. Stick to your meds no matter what people tell you. In church communities: do not tell people what your real struggles are if you struggle with anything beyond pedestrian, first world problems. Don't admit that you get hives when your mother calls. Just say that sometimes you wish you could be closer to your mother. Or maybe, just say nothing. It seems to me like the people who are most admired in church settings never say a thing about themselves. They just listen. They don't engage the crazy in themselves or others. Sure, there is a case to be made that this is the opposite of creating authenticity in your church relationships...but I have found that truthfully...people don't want authentic relationships in church. They want people to admire.

The only exception to this rule, as one person told me off handedly is when you have overcome a problem. You can admit a problem that was once there when everyone sees that it is no longer a problem. Then it becomes something others can admire in you. I used to drink too much when I drank. I wasn't a regular drinker, but I was kind of problem drinker when I did drink and so I quit completely many years ago. That's fine to admit, kind of...just don't tell it to a person who is sensitive about her own drinking. She will think you are a bitch. It won't matter to her what you intended by sharing that. She will only think of what it felt like to her to hear you say that.

Therapists can be extremely good at their jobs. If you find one who is--you're very lucky. There are many, many who are not. I have been in session when I thought the person was drunk. I have been there when someone fell asleep. I was recently talked in to stopping medication by a therapist who charged me $200/hour for alternative treatment methods that are unproven. I feel like a sucker. In the last few years, I stopped going to therapy alone. I wanted my lawyer husband there with me so that the therapists would feel a little less prone to falling asleep or showing up drunk. I wasn't looking out for being hoodwinked. Again, I have learned to stick to the meds no matter what anyone says.

Back to blogging. Blogging can help you put your thoughts in order but it can open up wounds, too. For those around you, it can feel like you are exposing what they want very much to stay hidden. I have different thoughts on that. First, what I say isn't what you say. So how can you be embarrassed by what I say? Think of the Phillips family: one sister, Mackenzie says her father had a sexual relationship with her when she was growing up. The other, Chyna says that she should never reveal that because it is her family as well and she didn't agree to let their problems be public knowledge. I kind of feel like the second sister is callous. The first is trying to heal. The first is trying to come forward to help others. She had to go through the abuse. How does the second sister come to the conclusion that it is not the abused sister's right to heal in whatever way she chooses? She doesn't seem interested in the first sister's pain. She tried to deny it until other people who knew the family during that time came forward and corroborated the story. Just seems extremely selfish to me for the second sister to add injury and insult to her sister's recovery. I suppose there are many reasons why I might feel this way, but that's where I am. I'm wondering why people would take it on themselves to keep an injured person down and to keep their secrets hidden. In the case of the Phillips sisters, the one who was injured battled for years with addictions and tried earnestly to keep it all inside. I don't know how her sister could deny her any attempt to live a more authentic and whole life. Their father is dead. He can't be injured by the truth. He didn't live long enough to see the full extent of the damage he did to his daughter. If he were alive, would her sister be saying, "He's an old man, now. That was the past. What can he do to make up for his mistakes now? Why not just keep them to yourself?" I'm asking in this way to avoid talking directly about how this relates to me.

New topic: Exercise. I am putting a lot of hope in this strategy. I have heard great things. I've never been sporty. Exercise makes me connect to my body and to acknowledge it and for the most part, I hate doing that. Still, if it will help...I'm all for it. I signed up for blech...exercise classes. I am a member of a gym. I go once in a while. Once, I went in and saw a guy who creeps me out and so I stayed in the sauna in the women's locker room the whole time instead of making my way in to the room with the exercise equipment. Then I read the magazines in the front and waited for my husband to finish because he had the car keys and it was too cold to walk home. That's the kind of gym goer that I am...

So that's that...please wish me luck. I am heading in to 2015 in a whole new way on purpose and hoping things go better than they did in 2014. I had a fairly decent 2014, but there were some low spots that might have been avoided if I knew more about what I was getting into with therapy. It was a great year with my kids. It was a great year with my husband. It was a pretty good year in terms of reconnecting to some extended family members. I'm very happy about that. Every day is a genuine struggle for me and winters are the worst. I haven't found my 'tribe' in the place where I live. I have looked in several places that were in hindsight, not good places for me to look. I'll be happy to cheer you on as you seek a better life in 2015, too.